Weekly Words: Rewriting the Story of Stress

'You’ve come home at the end of a long workweek. Your spouse, partner, or roommate poses the query: “How did work go?” If you’re anything like the writer of this blog post, you might tell your roommate, “Ugh, it was super stressful.” It makes sense – in our culture, work is thought of as stressful. But [Todd] Kashdan says that you should dig a little deeper, and examine how you really feel.

“Describe your emotional life with more precision, and say, ‘I’ve been a little bit anxious, excited, curious, and confused as I’m working on this presentation.’ People that can describe their emotional world with more precision, they end up less likely to have experiences of anger with their romantic partner turn into hateful comments… and they’re more likely to enjoy spending time with their kids.”

McGonigal adds that “as soon as you start to pay attention to what you’re feeling, you increase activation in parts of the brain that give you more control and flexibility over your behavior and responses.”'

-The Surprising Benefits of Stress

Feeding the Flower

One of my favorite parables is that of the tiny flower - a small bud that struggles to strive and grow amidst the opposite pulls of the sun and the earth. The tiny flower fights and fights, until it finally breaks free from the earth, only to lose all of it's petals and wilt back to the ground. You might think that the story ends there - a typical tragedy of sorts - but what happens next is beautiful. The petals around the base of the flower bring nutrients back to the earth and the sun cries tears, which water the plant back to health. The tiny flower grows tall and is happy. 

As I explore this new moon in my life, I continue to think about what new activities to add to my calendar. Besides re-immersing myself in my coaching certification, I want to add a few scheduled classes, and ensure that our weekly date night stays put. But I am reminded quickly that an overcrowded calendar can have an effect like the sun and the earth - they pull us in opposite directions and can leave us wilted and burnt out. And, more importantly, they leave little room for the activities that nurture and feed us, recharging our batteries so that we can continue to operate well.

Building a health routine is all about figuring out what feeds your flower, and making sure to incorporate this soul food on a regular basis. These acts of self-care can take many forms. It can be as simple as carving out an extra thirty minutes to consciously prepare a meal for yourself or as complicated as turning down a night out in lieu of a gym class or respite. Whatever it entails, the act of incorporating such tasks into your schedule should be a conscious and deliberate one. It is helpful to truly tap into what your body and mind are telling you, and pause to consider the space between what you want and what you need.  

Admittedly, it's not always easy to take the first step towards nurturing your roots when all you want to do is be out there in the world. Self-care can be a quiet and personal thing. But the most challenging part of building a new routine is just getting started. The tiny flower had to fight to get those first nutrients and to claim its space, but it eventually started to feel better. It grew, and it soared. Here are a few tips for finding what works for you.

Tips for Introducing a Health Routine

• Tap into your experiences to determine what you need. Sometimes it's as easy as intuitively knowing that your body needs a break or you want to shed a few pounds. But oftentimes, it can be difficult to truly listen and understand your needs. In this case, consider the ratios. What did you experience last time you did something, and how did it make you feel? If the bad outweighs the good, consider introducing nixing that activity for one that nourishes instead of stresses. 

• Start small. You can't run a marathon without a pair of shoes. Set S.M.A.R.T. goals for yourself when introducing a new activity. Make the goal Specific (like identifying where to buy shoes), Measurable (such as determining the key points in your process that you can track success against), Achievable (realistic steps in your plan), Reasonable (your expectations in being able to identify where to buy the shoes) and Time-Specific (the time you allot yourself to buy shoes). Being direct about your goals will help you take them down piece by piece and prevent you from making mountains out of molehills.

• Be flexible. Get creative. Some weeks my self-care looks a lot like a spa vacation. At other busy times it could look like a long walk and a podcast instead or an extra five minutes of washing my face. Be flexible in your routine, but don't let that become a detractor in your success. Be creative in thinking up contingency plans in advance each week. If you have to work late and can't go for a run, research a workout video ahead of time to do in your living room.

The key to building a successful health routine is investing the time and energy in making your well-being a priority.  A little can go a long way. So what is it that feeds your flower? 

Learning to Downshift

Even though it's the first of September, I'm still in favor of the late summer vibes that remind me to slow down and relax. But the reality is that at the beginning of every fall, I find that time seems to fly by faster and faster. Many are now back to school and college, getting ready for fall sports, studies and busy weeks. Summer Fridays are on their way out, and vacation time is quickly fading in the face of "productivity" and schedules. 

In one month, we're getting married and heading off on an exciting journey around Peru and Mexico. Tracking these final wedding tasks feel like a second career, in addition to my actual job which is buzzing with projects, strategy and planning. We have family travel and weddings every weekend over the next three weeks, and all I can think is "who has the time?"

Well, quite frankly, we all do. And I'm realizing that it's simply about finding it, and making it a priority. 

In 2010, Dan Buettner wrote an interesting book on what he deemed "The Blue Zones", five regions of the world with the highest longevity and population of centenarians. Buettner was tapped by National Geographic to travel to these locations, in areas such as the highlands of Sardinia, Okinawa, Japan, and an island off of Greece, and learn more about what contributes to their citizens' long lives.  

Buettner was recently featured in the New York Times discussing a longevity diet, which, true to American fashion was the most publicized output of what he discovered among the populations. But it was another key commonality that he wrote about that I appreciated even more: that people in the Blue Zones all shared in the ability to downshift - taking time every day to pause, de-stress and rejuvenate.   

“Even people in the Blue Zones experience stress. Stress leads to chronic inflammation, associated with every major age-related disease. What the world’s longest-lived people have that we don’t are routines to shed that stress. Okinawans take a few moments each day to remember their ancestors, Adventists pray, Ikarians take a nap and Sardinians do happy hour.”

— Dan Buettner

While many of us can only wish to live to 100, it's hard to ignore the relationship between stress and aging - which we all do, regardless of fighting it, every single day. And so, these last weeks of summer are a great reminder to incorporate a bit of slow living into every day in order to give our bodies and minds a break. As expressed in Lynn Ungar's poem that I posted Friday, even when you're not busy doing, you are still  being, and that is perfectly enough.  Below are a few ways that I will be reintroducing breaks, particularly over these next few weeks, to incorporate a bit more rest into each day. 

Tips for Downshifting

• Bathe in silence. In an average week, I'm always coming or going, and my immediate inclination is to plug in - to music, podcasts or another stream of digital information. But lately I've found that silence truly is golden, and I've been unplugging from headphones, and the news, and giving my ears and mind a rest. The result? I feel calmer, a greater sense of spaciousness, and more connected to my surroundings versus my thoughts. 
•  Get up and out. Since starting a new job in May, I've found just how powerful it is to take a break from the office, and computer, during the day to clear the mind and refresh the spirit. We've also started incorporating night walks to help disconnect from media and chores in the evenings and stay connected to each other and the outdoors. On those nights, I find myself floating to sleep easier, and waking up more recharged and ready for the next day. 
• Find your place of peace. Growing up, there was a particular jetty on the Long Island Sound that was my shrine of relaxation - a place where I could go and be away from worry and completely present. When I lived in Manhattan, it was the Jacquelyn Onassis Reservoir in Central Park. On most days now, I climb a hill in our neighborhood to take pause and breathe. Whether it's a room in your home, a place in your garden or a neighborhood park, find your sanctuary - a place where you immediately feel peace simply upon arrival.   

Indulging the Mind and Body with Self-Massage

Happy Monday! I'm fresh off of a long gorgeous weekend celebrating family love and the amazing nuptials of our brother and sister-in-law. As always, after a few days of decadence and late nights, I'm keen to immediately restore my balance with good detoxifying foods, an increased intake of liquids and the reintroduction of slow and luxurious self-care rituals that were passed over in lieu of dancing and extra hours of sleep. 

Self-massage is one of the most beloved parts of my daily routine. It is so simple, yet invigorates the skin, encourages blood flow, and helps open the door to relaxation. I find it to be a wonderful way to really get in tune with your body and calm the mind by inserting a mindful pause into your day. There is even an ayurverdic practice called Abhyanga which is daily oil massage that promotes overall wellbeing. Below are a few basics when introducing self-massage to your self-care routine:

• Use a good oil or butter. For the past few weeks, I've been loving on Sun Potion's Wildcrafted Shea Butter, which is a heavenly skin food. It's solid in the jar, but becomes soft and heated when rubbed between two palms and massaged into skin. Other favorites include Coconut or Jojoba Oil. 
• Warm the oil, either in your hands, or by heating it slightly in a microwave safe cup or immersing a 1/2 cup of the oil in another cup of hot water briefly.
• Start from the top. A gentle scalp massage followed by a facial massage relaxes the muscles, reduces the appearance of wrinkles, and drains any puffiness from bloating or allergies.  
• Flow downwards. Use broad strokes and work from the neck, to the arms and legs, to the abdomen. Finish with the feet to help re-balance and ground.
• Consider timing. Self-massage is wonderful pre-shower (to allow the oils to penetrate before taking a warm - not hot! - rinse), post-shower (to moisturize and luxuriate) and before bed (to calm the mind and prepare for rest). 

Finding Time for Peace

Our days, by nature, are busy. Many of us spend our weeks, months, and years moving and grooving at work, with our families, at events, or in transit. The joys of juggling can be a blessing, akin to the adage that too much business is better than having no business at all. But amidst such movement, it becomes very easy to forget the most basic of tasks on our to-do lists, let alone remember to just breathe.

Recently, something that I've continued to work on in my own life is making the time and space for these moments of peace - a stretch of time where I can hit the pause button and bring myself to the present - clearing my mind, and relishing in a few good mindful breaths before pressing play again on the day. Through experience, I've learned about the power in having a little pause in thinking (aka planning, pondering, worrying, or listening to my own inner critic tell me her opinion) and how it has really helped me use my brain more effectively when I need to again. I'm more mindful about how I create plans and work towards goals. I also sleep better, worry less, and breath a bit easier. 

While in theory, making this space to move into the "now" is technically a meditation, the time and place might not resemble what many might view as the stereotypical act. And within that lies the beauty of it all. 

Building a routine meditation is a personal and individual act. For some, meditation may appear to take place in the classic Zen sitting style - seated lotus position, rear lifted and eyes at a soft gaze for a length of time. But for many people, incorporating that type of practice into their lives is neither practical nor desirable, and may not even be the best way to connect with the present at all. If this is something that has deterred you from exploring meditation, I'd invite you to consider that the many ways to incorporate these spaces of peace and mindfulness into your life, and even begin to schedule it into your day. 

Over the past year, through a joyful, challenging, and at times, really freaking frustrating, play with meditation, mantras, and mudras, I've learned about the many methods of making space within my mind. I've shared this with friends, praising the wonders of deep belly breathing and quiet serenity I've discovered during some seriously stressful times. With practice, I've learned what works best for me (a series of deep belly breaths, a simple body scan, and a mantra or two) and how to expand or shorten my practice given the availability of time. I've learned to be gentle on myself as I work to explore meditation, and to remind myself that time and space is a gift that can be found anywhere and anytime. 

The good news is, however you choose to incorporate meditative moments, the benefits remain. Read more about the different types of meditation via The Chopra Center, the Institute for Noetic Sciences, and Gaiam. For more on the benefits of meditation, check out Emma Seppälä's "20 Scientific Reasons to Start Meditating Today."

Making Space for our Thoughts

This weekend, I had the pleasure of finding some alignment in my intentions and my actions. At the end of the week, I set a goal to better begin my days with a slow start and to disconnect from my cell phone. Over the weekend, my fiance and I were fortunate to attend a retreat in preparation for our upcoming nuptials, and spent the majority of the three days without phones or internet - completely present to the moment and each other during this part of our journey. 

It's no surprise that we are all more connected to devices than was even possible a decade ago. To some extent, our over-connectedness has been wonderful - we are able to keep in touch with loved ones, and even virtually cross oceans. We can attempt to be more productive than ever, with the flick of a finger on a keyboard or screen. But often, having a phone glued to our hands and eyes can prevent us from truly  being in the moment, and letting ourselves listen to the organic thoughts and emotions that naturally arise in our minds. 

“I’m as guilty as anyone of using my phone as a crutch, either to avoid talking to people I don’t know at a party, or to stave off boredom while waiting for a friend in a bar. I’m also easily distracted by the various pings and vibrations coming from my iPhone, and often find myself drawn into an endless loop of checking alerts, reading my social media streams and replying to non-urgent email and text messages. Often, I can’t resist sneaking a peek at the screen during movies or other outings. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve occasionally been so preoccupied by a text message that I’ve almost bumped into someone on the street.”

— Jenna Wortham, "Trying to Live in the Moment (and Not on the Phone)"

I've noticed lately that my craving for what I've deemed "updates" is something that I'd like to step away from. These updates surround anything from buzzing text messages and emails to the change in weather or the status of a train delay. They are things that keep me constantly in motion, plugged in, and often, tuned out.  Quite often, things like true introspection, personal insight, and awareness can get lost in the mix of digital noise.

One way to begin cutting the electronic cords in our lives is the begin the day without them.  For many people, their first instinct in the morning is to reach for the phone, even before getting out of bed. While sleep experts herald the positive effects of limited screen time before bed, I wonder if we could all also benefit from limited attachment before we arise. It might allow us to begin our day slowly, and let our first thoughts evolve from a sleepy subconscious atmosphere to a more gentle focus on daily intention. This type of practice encourages true inward listening, and doesn't allow noise to disrupt the mission we set around our daily purpose. 

I've made it my goal to begin disconnecting at the start of my day, just as I've worked to limit my evening screen time exposure. I'm working hard to remember what David Whyte says in his poem on beginning the day intentionally, "In that first hardly noticed moment in which you wake, coming back to this life from the other more secret, movable and frighteningly honest world where everything began, there is a small opening into the new day which closes the moment you begin your plans." 

Interested in beginning to reset the way you arise? Here's my challenge to you:

• Set an attainable goal for a certain number of days each next week that you'd like to invite yourself to wake up quietly and not peek at your phone. You could start with one day or three, but make the goal one that isn't too easy but not impossible to reach.
• Consider a method of reminding yourself to do this. It could be a note next to your bed, a reminder with your morning alarm (again, no peeking at that email once you turn off the alarm!), or a reminder from your bedmate.
• Think about what might get in your way of reaching this goal. An important part of reaching a goal lies within personal accountability. For example, I worried that using my phone to wake up and remind me to start my day slow would push me to begin looking at messages. In order to prevent that, I chose to print out David Whyte's poem, which moved me greatly, and place it next to my bed as a moving reminder to start slow. If you're interested in a similar practice, I'd also recommend "Why I Wake Early" by Mary Oliver or "The Waking" by Theodore Roethke. 
• Before you get out of bed, take a few deep full body breaths and set an intention for the day. It could be an intention around how you want to feel, what you want to explore, or what gratitude you might want to incorporate in your day. Whatever you do, avoid thinking about your "to-do" lists.
• Consider a quick 5-15 minute meditation to allow yourself the time to make even more space and let those intentions you set truly marinate. 
• Finally, begin your day, and take notice of how those mornings that you incorporate this act differ from the others. Make note of changes in how you feel at the start and end of each day.

Spring Soaking

On Sunday, we signed the lease on a new home. It's a sunny, top-floor apartment with bay windows, in a quiet neighborhood with much more space than we have now. But the real deal-sealer for me? A freshly re-enameled clawfoot tub - the sort of thing of dreams, my friends. In anticipation of our move in May, and many many luxurious soaks ahead, I've compiled a list of bath items to bring along.

(Left to right, starting in the top row)

A luxurious natural sea wool sponge, to massage soaps into the skin.

A detoxifying soak, to revive the body and warm the soul.

A new book, "The Untethered Soul: A Journey Beyond Yourself" by Michael A. Singer, to explore inner peace and serenity.

A bathtub caddy to hold my book, a candle and on the most relaxing evenings, a glass of red wine.

A delicious spring soap, with hints of lemon and rosemary.

A sumptuous bath towel, like the one we've placed on our registry, to lock in the warmth.

A gorgeous candle, made in Virginia and for a great cause, to fill the air with earthy scents.

A wooden bath mat, for stepping back into the world after blissfully floating away.

A natural tub brush to scrub down and prepare for the next night of relaxation.

Happy weekend...

Happy Friday! It's been a long first week of spring, and I'm looking forward to enjoying some time at home before hitting the road again on Monday morning. I hope you have a restful and fun weekend as well! Here are some things I've been fancying for the past few days:

• Revisiting Joni Mitchell's "Ladies of the Canyon" and getting overly excited about spending a July weekend up in Woodstock, NY with my own ladies in a gorgeous modern barn.
• Thanking my lucky stars, and this Black Elderberry Syrup, for keeping me healthy this past week after the flu hit our house and I spent a few hours on a plane.
• Slowly increasing my daily meditation to 10-15 minutes, twice a day, thanks to apps like "OMG. I Can Meditate!" and "Simply Being." It really does help induce restful sleep and peaceful living.
• And finally, a gorgeous quote on sowing positivity and growth to take you into the weekend:

“When you open yourself to the continually changing, impermanent, dynamic nature of your own being and of reality, you increase your capacity to love and care about other people and your capacity to not be afraid. You’re able to keep your eyes open, your heart open, and your mind open. And you notice when you get caught up in prejudice, bias, and aggression. You develop an enthusiasm for no longer watering those negative seeds, from now until the day you die. And, you begin to think of your life as offering endless opportunities to start to do things differently.”

— Pema Chödrön