Full Catastrophe Parenting

Tell me if this sounds familiar. 

It's 8:00pm on a weeknight. The sink is full of dishes, the lunchbox hasn't been unpacked from daycare and there's a tiny sock off to the side of the playmat. The only sounds in the house are the hum of the baby monitor and the drip-drying of the washcloth in the bathtub that just wiped away a day's worth of germs from tiny hands and feet.

You sit alone on the couch, tired eyes barely watching the screen in front of you and you are so damn ready to check-out for the day. Except you're not done yet because before each day closes, you must prepare for the next. The bottles will be repacked, the lunches made and everything set by the door so that tomorrow you won't forget a thing during the chaotic morning rush.

When I was in my twenties, carefree and alone, my mother used to say that she couldn't wait for me to find my partner so that we could "get messy" together. I never fully understood what this meant until I finally met that person and as we started experiencing life together. We made moves, lost jobs, fought, made up and wandered on our way together. But for the most part, we managed a pretty nice balance in our routine together until we had a baby.  And that's when the full catastrophe began.

“Of course I’ve been married. Wife, house, kids, the full catastrophe. Trouble? Life is trouble. Only death is no trouble.”

— Zorba the Greek

When I was pregnant, I read the beautiful book "Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting" by Myla and Jon Kabat-Zinn, and it was in this book that I learned about "the full catastrophe of life" as explained in the movie version of Zorba the Greek. I immediately fell in love with the concept because it speaks to what is so true about being a parent - the challenges, the pain and the can't-deal-with-you-right-now-but-love-you-so-much reality that comes with raising a child and trying to stay sane throughout the process. 

Motherhood, in many ways, is a calculation made up of physical resources. We spend all of our time and energy during the day giving ourselves: to our partners, our children, our colleagues and to anyone else that will take. And what is leftover? That's for us - the one who quite often needs it the most but prioritizes it last. 

But perhaps it is in these moments of full catastrophe living - when the bottles are dirty, the child refuses to go to sleep and we just need a minute to breathe - that we can gain wisdom and learn to grow ourselves. Of course there will be moments where we ask ourselves "how did I get here?" But to quote another line from Jon Kabat-Zinn, "wherever you go, there you are."

When we acknowledge that this is, in fact, our life - the one that we are living at this very moment - then we open ourselves up to possibility of learning from the trying and tiring moments. We come into the present and time stands still.

We can realize that our children can be wonderful teachers if we let them. We can begin to see where our value is most felt, and when we can give ourselves permission to phone it in. And mostly, we can better tap into ourselves and begin to understand what it is that we need to refresh and restore and make the most of that slice of the pie that we call our own.

Feeding the Flower

One of my favorite parables is that of the tiny flower - a small bud that struggles to strive and grow amidst the opposite pulls of the sun and the earth. The tiny flower fights and fights, until it finally breaks free from the earth, only to lose all of it's petals and wilt back to the ground. You might think that the story ends there - a typical tragedy of sorts - but what happens next is beautiful. The petals around the base of the flower bring nutrients back to the earth and the sun cries tears, which water the plant back to health. The tiny flower grows tall and is happy. 

As I explore this new moon in my life, I continue to think about what new activities to add to my calendar. Besides re-immersing myself in my coaching certification, I want to add a few scheduled classes, and ensure that our weekly date night stays put. But I am reminded quickly that an overcrowded calendar can have an effect like the sun and the earth - they pull us in opposite directions and can leave us wilted and burnt out. And, more importantly, they leave little room for the activities that nurture and feed us, recharging our batteries so that we can continue to operate well.

Building a health routine is all about figuring out what feeds your flower, and making sure to incorporate this soul food on a regular basis. These acts of self-care can take many forms. It can be as simple as carving out an extra thirty minutes to consciously prepare a meal for yourself or as complicated as turning down a night out in lieu of a gym class or respite. Whatever it entails, the act of incorporating such tasks into your schedule should be a conscious and deliberate one. It is helpful to truly tap into what your body and mind are telling you, and pause to consider the space between what you want and what you need.  

Admittedly, it's not always easy to take the first step towards nurturing your roots when all you want to do is be out there in the world. Self-care can be a quiet and personal thing. But the most challenging part of building a new routine is just getting started. The tiny flower had to fight to get those first nutrients and to claim its space, but it eventually started to feel better. It grew, and it soared. Here are a few tips for finding what works for you.

Tips for Introducing a Health Routine

• Tap into your experiences to determine what you need. Sometimes it's as easy as intuitively knowing that your body needs a break or you want to shed a few pounds. But oftentimes, it can be difficult to truly listen and understand your needs. In this case, consider the ratios. What did you experience last time you did something, and how did it make you feel? If the bad outweighs the good, consider introducing nixing that activity for one that nourishes instead of stresses. 

• Start small. You can't run a marathon without a pair of shoes. Set S.M.A.R.T. goals for yourself when introducing a new activity. Make the goal Specific (like identifying where to buy shoes), Measurable (such as determining the key points in your process that you can track success against), Achievable (realistic steps in your plan), Reasonable (your expectations in being able to identify where to buy the shoes) and Time-Specific (the time you allot yourself to buy shoes). Being direct about your goals will help you take them down piece by piece and prevent you from making mountains out of molehills.

• Be flexible. Get creative. Some weeks my self-care looks a lot like a spa vacation. At other busy times it could look like a long walk and a podcast instead or an extra five minutes of washing my face. Be flexible in your routine, but don't let that become a detractor in your success. Be creative in thinking up contingency plans in advance each week. If you have to work late and can't go for a run, research a workout video ahead of time to do in your living room.

The key to building a successful health routine is investing the time and energy in making your well-being a priority.  A little can go a long way. So what is it that feeds your flower? 

Indulging the Mind and Body with Self-Massage

Happy Monday! I'm fresh off of a long gorgeous weekend celebrating family love and the amazing nuptials of our brother and sister-in-law. As always, after a few days of decadence and late nights, I'm keen to immediately restore my balance with good detoxifying foods, an increased intake of liquids and the reintroduction of slow and luxurious self-care rituals that were passed over in lieu of dancing and extra hours of sleep. 

Self-massage is one of the most beloved parts of my daily routine. It is so simple, yet invigorates the skin, encourages blood flow, and helps open the door to relaxation. I find it to be a wonderful way to really get in tune with your body and calm the mind by inserting a mindful pause into your day. There is even an ayurverdic practice called Abhyanga which is daily oil massage that promotes overall wellbeing. Below are a few basics when introducing self-massage to your self-care routine:

• Use a good oil or butter. For the past few weeks, I've been loving on Sun Potion's Wildcrafted Shea Butter, which is a heavenly skin food. It's solid in the jar, but becomes soft and heated when rubbed between two palms and massaged into skin. Other favorites include Coconut or Jojoba Oil. 
• Warm the oil, either in your hands, or by heating it slightly in a microwave safe cup or immersing a 1/2 cup of the oil in another cup of hot water briefly.
• Start from the top. A gentle scalp massage followed by a facial massage relaxes the muscles, reduces the appearance of wrinkles, and drains any puffiness from bloating or allergies.  
• Flow downwards. Use broad strokes and work from the neck, to the arms and legs, to the abdomen. Finish with the feet to help re-balance and ground.
• Consider timing. Self-massage is wonderful pre-shower (to allow the oils to penetrate before taking a warm - not hot! - rinse), post-shower (to moisturize and luxuriate) and before bed (to calm the mind and prepare for rest). 

Spring Soaking

On Sunday, we signed the lease on a new home. It's a sunny, top-floor apartment with bay windows, in a quiet neighborhood with much more space than we have now. But the real deal-sealer for me? A freshly re-enameled clawfoot tub - the sort of thing of dreams, my friends. In anticipation of our move in May, and many many luxurious soaks ahead, I've compiled a list of bath items to bring along.

(Left to right, starting in the top row)

A luxurious natural sea wool sponge, to massage soaps into the skin.

A detoxifying soak, to revive the body and warm the soul.

A new book, "The Untethered Soul: A Journey Beyond Yourself" by Michael A. Singer, to explore inner peace and serenity.

A bathtub caddy to hold my book, a candle and on the most relaxing evenings, a glass of red wine.

A delicious spring soap, with hints of lemon and rosemary.

A sumptuous bath towel, like the one we've placed on our registry, to lock in the warmth.

A gorgeous candle, made in Virginia and for a great cause, to fill the air with earthy scents.

A wooden bath mat, for stepping back into the world after blissfully floating away.

A natural tub brush to scrub down and prepare for the next night of relaxation.