Weekly Words: "Stop thinking in terms of work-life balance"

"Human beings are creatures of belonging, though they may come to that sense of belonging only through long periods of exile and loneliness. Interestingly, we belong to life as much through our sense that it is all impossible, as we do through the sense that we will accomplish everything we have set out to do. This sense of belonging and not belonging is lived out by most people through three principal dynamics: first, through relationship to other people and other living things (particularly and very personally, to one other living, breathing person in relationship or marriage); second, through work; and third, through an understanding of what it means to be themselves, discrete individuals alive and seemingly separate from everyone and everything else.

These are the three marriages, of Work, Self and Other...

...We can call these three separate commitments marriages because at their core they are usually lifelong commitments and … they involve vows made either consciously or unconsciously… To neglect any one of the three marriages is to impoverish them all, because they are not actually separate commitments but different expressions of the way each individual belongs to the world...

..We should stop thinking in terms of work-life balance. Work-life balance is a concept that has us simply lashing ourselves on the back and working too hard in each of the three commitments. In the ensuing exhaustion we ultimately give up on one or more of them to gain an easier life...

...I stop trying to work harder in each of the marriages and start to concentrate on the conversation that holds them together. Instead of asking myself what more I need to do, and killing myself and my creative powers in the process of attempting to carry it out, I ask myself: What is the courageous conversation I am not having?"

- David Whyte

Happy (long) weekend...

Happy early weekend and happy almost birthday, America! I'm looking forward to a few days of family, friends, and floating on a boat in the middle of a big cool lake. Here are a few things that rocked this week:

• Swaying to the breezy throwback of an album finally released by Leon Bridges. 
• Taking my interest in gut bacteria to a whole new level with The Good Gut. My ten-year old science-obsessed self approves. 
• Speaking of gut bacteria, drooling over this recipe for herbed tomatoes, which seems like a  great way to maximize use of the herbs that are growing like weeds on our deck. 
• And finally, a little summer ditty from Carl Sandburg that professes my love for those long lazy summer evenings of lying in the grass, watching fireworks, and being connected to this Earth: 

"Bend low again, night of summer stars.
So near you are, sky of summer stars,
So near, a long-arm man can pick off stars,
Pick off what he wants in the sky bowl,
So near you are, summer stars,
So near, strumming, strumming,
                So lazy and hum-strumming"

Listening to Our Desires

A few years ago, a close friend was considering a big life change. She was miserable and in a funk. Her solution? Pack up her life and move a few thousand miles away.

I often think about what sets a person in motion to begin understanding what they want out of this life. For some, the trigger is a wake-up call - an experience, an event or emotion that triggers the sense of knowing that there might be another way beyond what we know. For others, it's a slow burn. A few bad relationships are like strikes to the matchbox of dissatisfaction. Regardless of the catalyst, there is one crucial thing that turns a so-called "turning point" into an action: desire.

During my years as a change management consultant, I saw a lot of companies on the verge of change. Whether they were facing a technology overhaul or responding to industry regulations, I met many stressed out, fatigued employees who were just looking to get this change going. They were ready to go through the motions and get to the other side.  For many people, their own life transitions are fraught with similar sentiments. They consider moves between cities, jobs, and relationships as an easy fix to unhappiness.

“What makes the engine go? Desire, desire, desire.”

— Stanley Kunitz

In a fantastic podcast with Jesuit priest James Martin, Krista Tippett explores the concept of desire as a sort of compass or calling around "your deepest identity, and as well, being called to married life, or being a lawyer, or...being a parent." Martin says that "St. Ignatius, in his classic text, "The Spiritual Exercises," talked about praying for what you desire. And also praying to understand your desires. What are your deepest desires that move you....the things that you're drawn to, the person you're called to be..."   

When we tap into our desire, and listen to what we're being called to do, it allows us to move more organically towards our purpose. So instead of just changing our location, career or partner and expecting to feel better, we actually listen to ourselves more deeply. We ask ourselves "why," and consider our truest path. This allows us to feel more energized by our changes, let go of judgement and fear and flow more freely.  

My dear friend ended up tapping into her desire, and understanding what it was that she truly wanted out of her life. It was actually not a location change, but the desire for a strong partner and new fulfilling career that aligned better with her skills and interests. In doing so, she was able to see that if she simply moved, the interpretations and beliefs that had been clouding her from seeing the truth would have also moved to the new city and manifested in a similar way. So instead she pushed forward in new directions, and allowed herself to feel her way through it. The changes eventually came in a way that felt more authentic and natural to her. 

What is it that you truly desire? What does it look like for you? 

I'd invite you to similarly explore this for yourself. Meditate on your desires for a bit. Let the engine go, and when it does, put yourself in gear and turn in the direction you want to go.

Weekly Words: "Cultivating mindfulness"

"Most of life is imaginary.

Human beings have a habit of compulsive thinking that is so pervasive that we lose sight of the fact that we are nearly always thinking. Most of what we interact with is not the world itself, but our beliefs about it, our expectations of it, and our personal interests in it.

We have a very difficult time observing something without confusing it with the thoughts we have about it, and so the bulk of what we experience in life is imaginary things. As Mark Twain said: “I’ve been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.”

The best treatment I’ve found? Cultivating mindfulness."

- David Cain

Happy weekend...

Happy Friday! It has been a wonderful, insightful week of learning and doing. I'm looking forward to a few free days and a trip to my favorite place in the world. Wishing you a breezy summer weekend too. Here are a few things that caught my eye this week:

• Having an OnBeing podcast binge.  A few recommended posts include conversations with yogi and activist Seane Corn, hilarious Jesuit priest James Martin, and chef Dan Barber.
• Loving on my new konjac sponge, which has been really keeping my summer skin clean and my pores nice and tight. 
• Being fascinated by more research into gut bacteria and its impact on mood with this NY Times article "Can the Bacteria in Your Gut Explain your Mood?" Also running to the fridge to continue my daily sauerkraut habit (I move between a local MA brand and these mixes by Wild Brine). 
• And finally, a lovely poem by Mary Oliver to take us into the weekend:

"Every Day
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It is what I was born for—
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world—
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant—
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these—
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?"

Weekly Words: "A Sanctuary for Our Souls"

"It took me a long time and a good deal of sweat to understand it — just how much our Earth is a sanctuary for our souls...

...As the gardener creates, so does the garden transform the inner life of its creator. The garden’s cycle mirrors our own growth, complete with floods, heat, drought, infestation; dying, resurrecting, blossoming, blooming, maturing, rotting; bounty, beauty, miracles.

In our deeper psyche we tend to our life’s garden of sorrows and joys. We pull out, cut back, dig up, bury, sow, support, and nourish hoping one day to harvest our life’s experiences into wisdom. Without all this soul/gardening work, our spirits are swamped under the weeds, our creative gifts choked, our true selves unable to flourish."

- Catherine Ann Lombard, "A Communion with the Earth: Gardening and Gratitude"

Indulging the Mind and Body with Self-Massage

Happy Monday! I'm fresh off of a long gorgeous weekend celebrating family love and the amazing nuptials of our brother and sister-in-law. As always, after a few days of decadence and late nights, I'm keen to immediately restore my balance with good detoxifying foods, an increased intake of liquids and the reintroduction of slow and luxurious self-care rituals that were passed over in lieu of dancing and extra hours of sleep. 

Self-massage is one of the most beloved parts of my daily routine. It is so simple, yet invigorates the skin, encourages blood flow, and helps open the door to relaxation. I find it to be a wonderful way to really get in tune with your body and calm the mind by inserting a mindful pause into your day. There is even an ayurverdic practice called Abhyanga which is daily oil massage that promotes overall wellbeing. Below are a few basics when introducing self-massage to your self-care routine:

• Use a good oil or butter. For the past few weeks, I've been loving on Sun Potion's Wildcrafted Shea Butter, which is a heavenly skin food. It's solid in the jar, but becomes soft and heated when rubbed between two palms and massaged into skin. Other favorites include Coconut or Jojoba Oil. 
• Warm the oil, either in your hands, or by heating it slightly in a microwave safe cup or immersing a 1/2 cup of the oil in another cup of hot water briefly.
• Start from the top. A gentle scalp massage followed by a facial massage relaxes the muscles, reduces the appearance of wrinkles, and drains any puffiness from bloating or allergies.  
• Flow downwards. Use broad strokes and work from the neck, to the arms and legs, to the abdomen. Finish with the feet to help re-balance and ground.
• Consider timing. Self-massage is wonderful pre-shower (to allow the oils to penetrate before taking a warm - not hot! - rinse), post-shower (to moisturize and luxuriate) and before bed (to calm the mind and prepare for rest). 

Weekly Words: "Capable of Becoming"

"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.  It is my personal approach that creates the climate.  It is my daily mood that makes the weather.  I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.  I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration.  I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.  In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized.  If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.  If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming."

-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe