Weekly Words: "Moving Your Emotions in a Positive Direction"

"Positive emotion can be about the past, the present, or the future. The positive emotions about the future include optimism, hope, faith, and trust. Those about the present include joy, ecstasy, calm, zest, ebullience, pleasure, and (most importantly) flow; these emotions are what most people usually mean when they casually-but much too narrowly-talk about "happiness." The positive emotions about the past include satisfaction, contentment, fulfillment, pride, and serenity.

It is crucial to understand that these three senses of emotion are different and are not necessarily tightly linked. While it is desirable to be happy in all three senses, this does not always happen. It is possible to be proud and satisfied about the past, for example, but to be sour in the present and pessimistic about the future. Similarly, it is possible to have many pleasures in the present, but be bitter about the past and hopeless about the future. By learning about each of the three different kinds of happiness, you can move your emotions in a positive direction by changing how you feel about your past, how you think about the future, and how you experience the present."

- Martin E. P. Seligman

Effecting Change in Our Lives

Last week, I spoke to a peer about how she was doing after a particularly busy period in her life. Her energy was low - I could hear it in every syllable as she managed to share a few matter-of-fact details about having a chocked full schedule and wanting to make changes. Even though we weren't face to face, I could feel a dark cloud hanging over her, bearing weight on her mood, motivation, and happiness.

Change doesn't happen over night - this is a phrase that has been engrained in many of our minds. And in many cases, it's true. Good, sustainable change, for communities, companies and sports teams, comes after deep evaluation, a well-defined approach, careful measurement and iteration after iteration. For people, this can be true as well. In many circumstances, the framework for building strategies and goals that I shared with Financial Services companies could work extremely well for an individual desiring the type of change that I was an expert on. But the thing is - it wouldn't be their change.

Much like selling a product, or getting buy-in from a leader, someone will not own the act of making change until it's theirs. In fact, the core difference in coaching versus consulting someone on something is that rather than sharing a plan and an approach to effect change, you guide someone to find their own desired destination, and empower them to build the map to lead themselves there. Empowerment is the key word here. One can only send all their good juju to another person so much - cheerleaders aren't the ones generally playing the game.

As I listened to my friend last week, I knew I needed to employ some key coaching tactics to elevate her energy, shift her focus, and help her start building waves to sea change. Below are a few quick tactics for doing the same when you find yourself with low energy around a decision or change: 

Quick Tips to Empower Towards Change

• Validation brings the party to the present. You are allowed to feel. Full stop. Acknowledge your emotions when they're low. I would even encourage you to sit with them for long enough for you to determine that they are separate from you. Then you can take the power back from them. As Michael A. Singer shares in Untethered Soul, "To attain true inner freedom, you must be able to objectively watch your problems instead of being lost in them." 
• Talk about what's going well. If you're in a crunch, overwhelmed or stuck, you're likely resonating at a very low frequency, which is the exact place you don't want to be in order to actually take action. Re-living your success stories or conjuring up a good moment has the effect of a smile for your inner self. After doing it for a short period of time, you may actually feel a shift in energy powerful enough to bring you to the present and help you begin to build a plan.
•  Switch on the magical thinking. What would life be like once you're living that change you so desire? How would you feel? What would be doing once you are there? Even though the focus is on the present, the same tactic you would use to help an executive take ownership of a strategy can work in your personal life. Thinking about how it would feel to actually be living the change can help raise your energy to doing, and help you buy in to your own plan for getting there. Sometimes the best way to make something happen is to sell to the most important customer: yourself.    

Weekly Words: "Stand Still"

"Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. you must let it find you."

- David Wagoner

Weekly Words: "A Circle of Trust"

"Like a wild animal, the soul is tough, resilient, resourceful, savvy, and self-sufficient: it knows how to survive in hard places. I learned about these qualities during my bouts with depression. In that deadly darkness, the faculties I had always depended on collapsed. My intellect was useless; my emotions were dead; my will was impotent; my ego was shattered. But from time to time, deep in the thickets of my inner wilderness, I could sense the presence of something that knew how to stay alive even when the rest of me wanted to die. That something was my tough and tenacious soul.

Yet despite its toughness, the soul is also shy. Just like a wild animal, it seeks safety in the dense underbrush, especially when other people are around. If we want to see a wild animal, we know that the last thing we should do is go crashing through the woods yelling for it to come out. But if we will walk quietly into the woods, sit patiently at the base of a tree, breathe with the earth, and fade into our surroundings, the wild creature we seek might put in an appearance. We may see it only briefly and only out of the corner of an eye - but the sight is a gift we will always treasure as an end in itself.

Unfortunately, community in our culture too often means a group of people who go crashing through the woods together, scaring the soul away. In spaces ranging from congregations to classrooms, we preach and teach, assert and argue, claim and proclaim, admonish and advise, and generally behave in ways that drive everything original and wild into hiding. Under these conditions, the intellect, emotions, will and ego may emerge, but not the soul: we scare off all the soulful things, like respectful relationships, goodwill, and hope.

A circle of trust is a group of people who know how to sit quietly "in the woods" with each other and wait for the shy soul to show up... In such a space, we are freed to hear our own truth, touch what brings us joy, become self critical about our faults, and take risky steps toward change - knowing that we will be accepted no matter what the outcome."

- Parker Palmer

Making Space for our Thoughts

This weekend, I had the pleasure of finding some alignment in my intentions and my actions. At the end of the week, I set a goal to better begin my days with a slow start and to disconnect from my cell phone. Over the weekend, my fiance and I were fortunate to attend a retreat in preparation for our upcoming nuptials, and spent the majority of the three days without phones or internet - completely present to the moment and each other during this part of our journey. 

It's no surprise that we are all more connected to devices than was even possible a decade ago. To some extent, our over-connectedness has been wonderful - we are able to keep in touch with loved ones, and even virtually cross oceans. We can attempt to be more productive than ever, with the flick of a finger on a keyboard or screen. But often, having a phone glued to our hands and eyes can prevent us from truly  being in the moment, and letting ourselves listen to the organic thoughts and emotions that naturally arise in our minds. 

“I’m as guilty as anyone of using my phone as a crutch, either to avoid talking to people I don’t know at a party, or to stave off boredom while waiting for a friend in a bar. I’m also easily distracted by the various pings and vibrations coming from my iPhone, and often find myself drawn into an endless loop of checking alerts, reading my social media streams and replying to non-urgent email and text messages. Often, I can’t resist sneaking a peek at the screen during movies or other outings. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’ve occasionally been so preoccupied by a text message that I’ve almost bumped into someone on the street.”

— Jenna Wortham, "Trying to Live in the Moment (and Not on the Phone)"

I've noticed lately that my craving for what I've deemed "updates" is something that I'd like to step away from. These updates surround anything from buzzing text messages and emails to the change in weather or the status of a train delay. They are things that keep me constantly in motion, plugged in, and often, tuned out.  Quite often, things like true introspection, personal insight, and awareness can get lost in the mix of digital noise.

One way to begin cutting the electronic cords in our lives is the begin the day without them.  For many people, their first instinct in the morning is to reach for the phone, even before getting out of bed. While sleep experts herald the positive effects of limited screen time before bed, I wonder if we could all also benefit from limited attachment before we arise. It might allow us to begin our day slowly, and let our first thoughts evolve from a sleepy subconscious atmosphere to a more gentle focus on daily intention. This type of practice encourages true inward listening, and doesn't allow noise to disrupt the mission we set around our daily purpose. 

I've made it my goal to begin disconnecting at the start of my day, just as I've worked to limit my evening screen time exposure. I'm working hard to remember what David Whyte says in his poem on beginning the day intentionally, "In that first hardly noticed moment in which you wake, coming back to this life from the other more secret, movable and frighteningly honest world where everything began, there is a small opening into the new day which closes the moment you begin your plans." 

Interested in beginning to reset the way you arise? Here's my challenge to you:

• Set an attainable goal for a certain number of days each next week that you'd like to invite yourself to wake up quietly and not peek at your phone. You could start with one day or three, but make the goal one that isn't too easy but not impossible to reach.
• Consider a method of reminding yourself to do this. It could be a note next to your bed, a reminder with your morning alarm (again, no peeking at that email once you turn off the alarm!), or a reminder from your bedmate.
• Think about what might get in your way of reaching this goal. An important part of reaching a goal lies within personal accountability. For example, I worried that using my phone to wake up and remind me to start my day slow would push me to begin looking at messages. In order to prevent that, I chose to print out David Whyte's poem, which moved me greatly, and place it next to my bed as a moving reminder to start slow. If you're interested in a similar practice, I'd also recommend "Why I Wake Early" by Mary Oliver or "The Waking" by Theodore Roethke. 
• Before you get out of bed, take a few deep full body breaths and set an intention for the day. It could be an intention around how you want to feel, what you want to explore, or what gratitude you might want to incorporate in your day. Whatever you do, avoid thinking about your "to-do" lists.
• Consider a quick 5-15 minute meditation to allow yourself the time to make even more space and let those intentions you set truly marinate. 
• Finally, begin your day, and take notice of how those mornings that you incorporate this act differ from the others. Make note of changes in how you feel at the start and end of each day.

Weekly Words: Discovering the True Wonder of You

"What may be is always potential for discovery. It's never too late. This knowledge should give man his greatest challenge - the pursuit of self - his own personal Odessey; discovering his rooms and putting them in order. It should challenge him not only to be a good person, a loving person, a feeling person, an intelligent person, but the best, most loving, feeling, intelligent person he is capable of. His search is not in competition with anyone else's. He becomes his own personal challenge.

Loving yourself involves the discovery of the true wonder of you; not only the present you, but the many possibilities of you. It involves the continual realization that you are unique, like no other person in the world, that life is, or should be, the discovery, the development and the sharing of this uniqueness. The process is not always easy, for one is bound to find those who will feel threatened by a changing, growing you. But it will always  be exciting, always be fresh and like all things new and changing, never be dull. The trip into oneself is the grandest, most enjoyable and longest lasting. The fare is cheap; it merely involves continual experiencing, evaluating, educating, trying out new behavior. Only you can be the final judge in determining what is right for you."

- Leo Buscaglia

Weekly Words: "What to Remember Upon Waking"

"In that first hardly noticed moment in which you wake,
coming back to this life from the other
more secret, moveable and frighteningly honest world
where everything began,
there is a small opening into the new day
which closes the moment you begin your plans.

What you can plan is too small for you to live.
What you can live wholeheartedly will make plans enough
for the vitality hidden in your sleep.

To be human is to become visible
while carrying what is hidden as a gift to others.
To remember the other world in this world
is to live in your true inheritance.

You are not a troubled guest on this earth,
you are not an accident amidst other accidents
you were invited from another and greater night
than the one from which you have just emerged.

Now, looking through the slanting light of the morning window
toward the mountain presence of everything that can be
what urgency calls you to your one love?
What shape waits in the seed of you
to grow and spread its branches
against a future sky?

Is it waiting in the fertile sea?
In the trees beyond the house?
In the life you can imagine for yourself?
In the open and lovely white page on the writing desk?"

- David Whyte

Elevating Energy with Mental Imagery

When I was a child, I was the textbook definition of confident - fearless, proud, and fully aware of my capabilities. "I can't" wasn't a phrase I recognized. I was also a nationally ranked swimmer, and while I worked hard for my race times, that unwavering belief in myself surely didn't hurt when it came to touching the wall first.

Every season, as part of our training we did something remarkable to prepare for the season's biggest swim meets: we visualized our heats. Dozens of swimmers, ages eight to eighteen, would take over the racquetball courts at the YMCA, and lie on our backs in the dark. Our coaches would then take us through guided mental imagery - from stepping up to the block and diving in, to pushing through the final third of the race and hitting the finish. Though the memory of this tickles me now, I remember the power of my imagination in helping me envision that wall, and how I recalled that in every race I swam in.

Creative visualization, mental imagery, envisioning. In their basic form, these skills involve imagining all of the elements and parts of a specific activity - the images you see, the physical motions you go through, and the emotions you feel - as if it were taking place in the ideal environment. These are all skills that have been practiced by professional athletes for decades - and yes, practice is the key word there, as the effects most frequently reaped come after regular repetition of the exercise.

It's an exercise that has helped basketball players hit free throws, golfers drive the right shots, and Olympic skiers hit their mark. The New York Times details how U.S. freestyle aerialist Emily Cook created and recorded imagery scripts after recovering from an injury:

“Cook then played the recording back as she relaxed, eyes closed, feeling her muscles firing in response. She said that such mental work helped her return to the sport a better jumper and that she also had used imagery to break the cycle of negativity. Whenever fear surfaced, she would picture herself pricking a big red balloon with a pin.

’That sound and that immediate switch would kind of snap me out of it,’ she said, adding, ‘The last couple years, I’ve definitely gotten to a point where when I’m on the hill, it’s very quick for me to switch from a negative thought to a positive one.’”

In our daily lives, we're quite often held back from achieving our potential because of inner road blocks. Perhaps you want to achieve something, but just can't get over the external circumstances in the way. Maybe you truly want to reach a goal, but just don't know where to start. Or, like many of us, you might be your own worst critic, and as a result you embody the exact low energy that holds you up from actually taking the first step. 

So what if we could use that same mental imagery to envision reaching this personal life goal? If you think about it, goals like presenting at a conference, making a physical transformation, or moving towards the next chapter in your career might just be longer term activities than hitting a basket or sinking a golf ball. But they're still activities that could benefit from the power of imagination.

When we develop a mental image of a personal goal, we recreate the image of ourselves in action. We can see ourselves take the first step towards it - that powerful awe-inspiring act of overcoming inertia. We see ourselves performing, and allow our bodies to feel what it might be like to actually be doing it. And then we bask in the achievement of completing the task, and connect to the emotions of achievement, whether it be a sense of gratitude towards our abilities, a sense of new found purpose, or a growing confidence in ourselves. In essence, by imagining yourself actually doing these things, you're simply elevating yourself from that negative "I can't" belief to a positive "I will." You remember that you are your own best motivator.

It's important to note that once you get to the point of motion, that's when the real work begins. But a series of well-planned steps and level of accountability can help you actually manage the tasks of doing. Guided visualizations are a great tool to help you truly connect with yourself and gain a bit of clarity in order to take the first step in reaching your goal.

For more on how to use visualizations, check out "7 Tips for Creating Positive Mental Imagery".