Weekly Words: Live the Questions

"Asking the proper question is the central action of transformation- in fairy tales, in analysis, and in individuation. The key question causes germination of consciousness. The properly shaped question always emanates from an essential curiosity about what stands behind. Questions are the keys that cause the secret doors of the psyche to swing open...

...Though fairy tales end after ten pages, our lives do not. We are multi-volume sets. In our lives, even though one episode amounts to a crash and burn, there is always another episode awaiting us and then another. There are always more opportunities to get it right, to fashion our lives in the ways we deserve to have them. Don't waste your time hating a failure. Failure is a greater teacher than success."

- Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Weekly Words: "Get a Life"

There are thousands of people out there with the same degree you have; when you get a job, there will be thousands of people doing what you want to do for a living. But you are the only person alive who has sole custody of your life. Your particular life. Your entire life. Not just your life at a desk, or your life on the bus, or in the car, or at the computer. Not just the life of your mind, but the life of your heart. Not just your bank account, but your soul.

People don’t talk about the soul very much anymore. It’s so much easier to write a résumé than to craft a spirit. But a résumé is cold comfort on a winter night, or when you’re sad, or broke, or lonely, or when you’ve gotten back the chest X ray and it doesn’t look so good, or when the doctor writes “prognosis, poor.”

You cannot be really first-rate at your work if your work is all you are.

So I suppose the best piece of advice I could give anyone is pretty simple: get a life. A real life, not a manic pursuit of the next promotion, the bigger paycheck, the larger house. Do you think you’d care so very much about those things if you developed an aneurysm one afternoon, or found a lump in your breast while in the shower?

Get a life in which you notice the smell of salt water pushing itself on a breeze over the dunes, a life in which you stop and watch how a red-tailed hawk circles over a pond and a stand of pines. Get a life in which you pay attention to the baby as she scowls with concentration when she tries to pick up a Cheerio with her thumb and first finger.

Turn off your cell phone. Turn off your regular phone, for that matter. Keep still. Be present.

Get a life in which you are not alone. Find people you love, and who love you. And remember that love is not leisure, it is work.

Get a life in which you are generous. Look around at the azaleas making fuchsia star bursts in spring; look at a full moon hanging silver in a black sky on a cold night. And realize that life is glorious, and that you have no business taking it for granted. Care so deeply about its goodness that you want to spread it around. Take the money you would have spent on beers in a bar and give it to charity. Work in a soup kitchen. Tutor a seventh-grader.

All of us want to do well. But if we do not do good, too, then doing well will never be enough.

- Anna Quindlen

Soul Soothing Emotional Management

Emotions.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how important, yet difficult it is to manage them, particularly when the timing isn't right ... which is generally when they tend to hit. But really, when was the last time you felt a strong emotion and took the time to stop, step back, and try to understand where it was coming from?

On a day to day basis, this is easier said than done. But studies show that emotional intelligence is just as important as work ethic and IQ when it comes to being successful in work and life.  On the flip side, a steady diet of emotional distress can wreak havoc on your health, your resilience, and your focus.

“The emotional brain responds to an event more quickly than the thinking brain.”

— Daniel Goleman

Last year, I had the pleasure of attending a conference out west and hearing from The Energy Project, a firm that partners "with organizations to create workplaces that are healthier, happier, more focused and more purposeful." Part of our experience focused on discerning how adequately we each were currently meeting the four core needs they believe we all have in life: Physical, Spiritual, Mental and Emotional.

The Energy Project defines "emotional energy" as being "about learning to cultivate the specific emotions associated with high performance, because how people feel profoundly influences how they perform." In this light, if emotions affect the way we feel, and the way we feel affects the way we perform, then a good portion of our happiness lies within how well we can understand and manage emotions themselves.

People who mindfully manage their emotions tend to demonstrate self-awareness, motivation and empathy, which in turn can also help create a more balanced, and even longer, life. Compared to the alternative, that doesn't sound so bad. Below are a few key steps to take when your emotions hit the fan.

Quick Tips for Managing Emotions

Breathe. Next time you feel the urge to pour out your frustrations, instead try taking a few slow, deep breaths. Count to 3 as you inhale, and 6 as you exhale. Research shows that venting actually fuels your anger, rather than extinguishing it, as does quietly dwelling on your negative feelings.

Translate. Dr. Darlene Mininni, author of The Emotional Toolkit created the following formula to identify emotions: thoughts + body sensations = emotion. Once you've accepted the reality, bucket your emotion into one of the following categories - anxiety, sadness, anger and happiness - and identify how your thoughts and related physical reactions align. 

For example, if a deadline has you stressed, you might feel angry, causing your heart to race and your muscles to tighten. Pinpointing these details can help you ask yourself the right questions about what exactly you're feeling, and how it affects you, and better cope by moving forward.

Write, write, write. People who write, and re-write, have a better handle on their emotions, which can "lead to behavioral changes and improve happiness." Keeping a journal can also help you track emotions, take notice of patterns, and identify what habits or stimulants might be stirring your emotions.